Scream at Baby Jesus: A Stream of Holiday Rants

by Aaron Kleiber

Hey, friends. The holiday season is upon us, and I’m already feeling like a character in a Hallmark movie that’s not going to make it through the third act. Let’s talk.
Life is hectic. We’ve got Thanksgiving dishes in the sink, Halloween tombstones still in the yard, and a tree decorated like glitter monster threw up in my living room. Good times. But you know what? Sometimes, you just have to go out in the yard, the alley, in a random field and scream ath the stars. Tis the season. Yell at a Santa display. Scream at Baby Jesus in the manger to get through it. I’ll keep it ‘lite and open-mikey…’ but pretend I’m yelling sometimes… May I?
What Day Is It?I can’t figure out what season it is. Halloween just ended, Thanksgiving hasn’t started, and yet somehow, I’m under the glow of six fully decorated Christmas trees. Why am I stringing lights before I’ve brined a turkey? Why does my neighbor have a twelve-foot inflatable Santa up before I’ve even tossed my jack-o’-lantern? Someone hand me a calendar because I’m officially lost.
Christmas Music OverloadLook, I love holiday music, but starting it on November 1? Too much! My kids are secretly blasting "Jingle Bells" in the car while I’m begging for one more week of normal radio. By December 15, I’m ready to drive into a snowbank if I hear Dominic the Donkey one more time. It’s like a sugar rush of cheer that leaves you crashing hard.
The Family Photo SagaWhy do we do this to ourselves every year? I’m supposed to corral my kids, comb my hair, and pretend like we’re a Norman Rockwell painting. Meanwhile, my wife’s trying to coordinate sweaters, and I’m begging for Photoshop magic. Let’s just AI our photo for the next five years. Better yet, let’s tell everyone the kids are vampires and don’t age.
Amazon Is the New SantaForget handwritten letters to Santa. My kids just add TikTok-inspired gifts to their Amazon lists and assume I’ll forward them to the North Pole. They even update their lists on December 24. Santa doesn’t have a Prime account, kids! Also, where’s the "Send to Santa" button? Jeff Bezos, help me out here!
The Concert Camera CrisisIf one more Aunt Carol pulls out an iPad to film a holiday concert, I’m going to lose it. These concerts are a treasure trove of kids in itchy outfits and sleigh bells gone rogue—don’t ruin it by blocking the view with your tablet! Smack the iPad out of their hands, folks, and enjoy the live show.
Craft SweatshopsMy house has turned into a 24-day advent craft-a-thon. My wife has the kids gluing popsicle sticks like they’re in Santa’s workshop. I’m pretty sure we’re violating child labor laws. But hey, if you need a homemade ornament, hit me up—no tariffs on these bad boys!
Let’s Leave Politics at the DoorThe holidays are stressful enough without adding debates over stuffing versus dressing. (By the way, it’s called stuffing only after it’s been inside the bird. Debate me if you dare.) Let’s all take a deep breath, leave the disagreements outside, and find common ground in free YouTube karaoke.

Before the family gatherings, before the stress takes over, go outside and scream into the stars. If it’s too cold, stick your face in the tree like the squirrel from Christmas vacation, kneel down elbow the tree and scream at Baby Jesus. He can handle it.
The holidays are about showing kindness and love, sharing laughter and memories and dsesert. Even if those memories involve a shouting match over the last piece of pie or a forgotten Elf on the Shelf.

Thankful for you friends.

Best,
Aaron Kleiber
Got holiday stress stories? Drop them below—I’m here for it!

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